Tuesday, May 28, 2019

I Was But Who Will I Be

Once upon a time I knew who I was.  My roles were clear.  I was a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, but most importantly I was a caretaker. I took care of those that I loved.  I loved and took care of my children.  I  took care of a sister and mother since I was 18 years old when my father passed away.  I loved and cared for my partner, my lover.  I worked hard to make ends meet and always tried to keep everyone happy.  It seemed that everyone was in their own world and demanded my help or care regardless of everyone else which needed my attention.  I was exhausted and spread thin.  I needed to take time to take care of me.  Suddenly, everyone was gone and I was alone.  For the first time in my life, there was no one to take care of.  Who am I now?  What are my roles now?

Monday, August 6, 2018

Without Warning

Without warning, one day I fell in love.
I loved like I had never before.
I trusted fully, never my strong point.
I believed without questioning. 
I considered myself lucky to have found this love.
He made me feel loved; He made me feel special;
He made me feel beautiful; He made me feel happy;
He made me feel strong; He made me feel safe;
He made me feel I mattered; He made me feel needed;
He made me feel full of life.
Without warning, he broke my heart; He made me hurt;
He made me sad; He made me feel pain;
He made me feel unfit; He made me feel unwanted;
He made me feel weak; He made me feel unnoticed;
He made me feel replaceable; He mad me feel unattractive;
He made me feel undeserving; He made me feel broken.
Without warning, he was gone.

Looking Back

Was I so desperate for love? 
Why would I cover up and lie about the bruises, 
welts across my back and legs, bloody lips, cuts, and black eye?
Maybe, I needed to believe they were accidents.
Maybe, I needed to believe it was my own fault.
Maybe, I just needed to believe that my mother would never want to hurt me.


Narcissist baffle my mind at how good they are at what they do.
They are master destroyers of lives.  They all seem to similar, as if they
were all trained by the Master of masters.
Their similarities include how they find their prey.
Their victims seem to also share the same story with each other.
Victims can be continents apart and yet have the same torturous stories to tell of life with a narcissist.  It is as if each and everyone one had experienced the abuse from the same narcissist.
How can all these horrible individuals be so alike without ever having met?
How can the damage they all cause be so similar among all victims?
How can they hide their horrible manipulations so well?
Is there one Grand Master orchestrating them all?

My Search

I'm still in search.
Not sure what I'm searching for.
But I know that I haven't found it yet.
Maybe, I'm searching for myself.
I am incomplete.
There's a void, a hole, an emptiness that I can not grasp.
Is it fulfillment?
But what would make me feel fulfilled.
Is it accomplishment?
All the accomplishments put together doesn't seem to be dense enough to fill the void.
Is it love?
Love gives power to others to break you.
Is it trust?
Those closest to me have taught me that humankind can't be trusted.
Is it happiness?
But what is happiness for me?
Is it the moment?


I realize that I no longer have to doubt how far I can go.  
I just have to remember how far I have come,
remember everything I have faced,
remember all the fears I have overcome,
remember all the battles I have won.
I am strong.
I wear a smile.
I am a survivor!


I trusted you; you deceived me.
I believed you; you lied to me.
I loved you; you broke me heart.
The pain broke me; you moved on.
It was all a game you played and when you got bored,
you left me to die.
And I did.