Tuesday, May 28, 2019
Monday, August 6, 2018
Without warning, one day I fell in love.
I loved like I had never before.
I trusted fully, never my strong point.
I believed without questioning.
I considered myself lucky to have found this love.
He made me feel loved; He made me feel special;
He made me feel beautiful; He made me feel happy;
He made me feel strong; He made me feel safe;
He made me feel I mattered; He made me feel needed;
He made me feel full of life.
Without warning, he broke my heart; He made me hurt;
He made me sad; He made me feel pain;
He made me feel unfit; He made me feel unwanted;
He made me feel weak; He made me feel unnoticed;
He made me feel replaceable; He mad me feel unattractive;
He made me feel undeserving; He made me feel broken.
Without warning, he was gone.
Was I so desperate for love?
Why would I cover up and lie about the bruises,
welts across my back and legs, bloody lips, cuts, and black eye?
Maybe, I needed to believe they were accidents.
Maybe, I needed to believe it was my own fault.
Maybe, I just needed to believe that my mother would never want to hurt me.
Narcissist baffle my mind at how good they are at what they do.
They are master destroyers of lives. They all seem to similar, as if they
were all trained by the Master of masters.
Their similarities include how they find their prey.
Their victims seem to also share the same story with each other.
Victims can be continents apart and yet have the same torturous stories to tell of life with a narcissist. It is as if each and everyone one had experienced the abuse from the same narcissist.
How can all these horrible individuals be so alike without ever having met?
How can the damage they all cause be so similar among all victims?
How can they hide their horrible manipulations so well?
Is there one Grand Master orchestrating them all?
I'm still in search.
Not sure what I'm searching for.
But I know that I haven't found it yet.
Maybe, I'm searching for myself.
I am incomplete.
There's a void, a hole, an emptiness that I can not grasp.
Is it fulfillment?
But what would make me feel fulfilled.
Is it accomplishment?
All the accomplishments put together doesn't seem to be dense enough to fill the void.
Is it love?
Love gives power to others to break you.
Is it trust?
Those closest to me have taught me that humankind can't be trusted.
Is it happiness?
But what is happiness for me?
Is it the moment?
I realize that I no longer have to doubt how far I can go.
I just have to remember how far I have come,
remember everything I have faced,
remember all the fears I have overcome,
remember all the battles I have won.
I am strong.
I wear a smile.
I am a survivor!